I couldn't come up with a title so I just put it as is. Too many things tugging my mind today.
Just found out that my Grandmother’s services are on Sunday, November 19th.
On that day I was supposed to work and set up a 30th birthday party for my Autistic roommate. Very loveable guy. He has a vocabulary of about 10 words and says "Party! Me!" all day long for the last few days. He is soo looking fwd to his party. He does not quite understand that I am moving out. Every time a Staff leaves or quit. He thinks they died and can not stop talking about them for at least 6 months. I plan to visit him from time to time but I can promise anything but it’s enough to feel bad for leaving such a loveable guy.
Talked to mom on the phone, definite can tell that she misses me too much! She wants me there at the service but also to hang out together as she feels she lost me when I moved to California. We were super close growing up as it was just the two of us going through many years of extreme hardship and pain but gave each other reasons to keep going. Again did I mention, she really wants to see me soon? She also mentions I gotten to become my client's family (Autism guy) as if I was picking him over her! Sigh...
I am having been working two full time jobs for the past years. Its tough and finally taken it's toll on me. I gave my resignation notice to my job with the Autistic man. I love him but it’s taken all my time away from my BF whom I really want to be with and very ready to move on. It was tough decision because I am used to having to survive on my own, hence the two jobs.
I had a goal to be totally debt frees this December but it kind of gotten prolong because of the expensive ticket to my Grandfather's funeral not too long ago and some car repairs. Now again for my Grandmother's funeral. I may sound selfish here and I probably am but after working my butts off and giving more than 150% of myself to pay the dang thing off, I am getting even more determined each day I am closure to getting it paid off... It’s like I become a stingy animal...
A couple of months ago I requested to have the whole week of the thanksgiving week off. It was a secret from friends because I intended that time to thaw out and rest, move out of the house into my bf house preparing for a new chapter in my life.
My BF mentioned to me many times and I mean many! That he was so excited to share our first Thanksgiving together.
Grandma! Well it’s hard... I don’t cry or feel like I need to talk about her to a life person so much and I am still going through the days like its normal. But yeah! I miss her a lot! But I have missed her long before she died. We were super close when I was little. Often took a month vacation to stay with her in the summers and we always loved to talk, talk and talk. She was healthy the last time I saw her (2-3 months ago) but I am assuming the heartbreak got to her... Just found out she had 10 heart attacks in the last three weeks alone! I don't blame her for wanting to die. At least all her children were there with her till the very end.
First my brother, then my Grandfather, and now my Grandmother... It keeps getting harder and harder to go back home to Montana. It just never the same but I am sure I changed so much and in my family's eye's I am never the same either.
I do value my family. It just keeps getting harder and harder with responsibilities every year I get older.
I don’t know if I am going to Montana or if I should stay? All I can do now is pray about it and see where it leads me. I hope I know this weekend.
If you read it this long... wow! but thanks for letting me vent.
family, guilt trips, finances, the whole thing
November 11th, 2006 at 04:35 am
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