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To do or not to do?

July 22nd, 2008 at 04:41 pm

Frustration had been festering in my mind and emotions lately.

I either blame it on the stress at my job (more like not enjoying what I do like I used to rather than can not keep up), having migraines, or living so far away from everything.

I took a few days off from work on FTO hours to rest and calm down so nothing gets vented in the wrong way.

The truth to the above 3 things are:
1. I have a wonderful job and healthy environment with my boss and co-workers. I do have the ability to request for an update or be more creative on how I do my work.
2. Migraines are going to be a part of my life no matter what I do. Adapting to better eating, exercising and sleep habit may help and need to work on these things.
3. I live in Paradise so the long commute is worth it. Sometimes it is hard to leave Paradise to into the city to work but work enables me to have Paradise.

I found out the true reasons for my frustrations. For many years now I have to work really hard to get my head out of the water. For almost 5 years I had at least two jobs (often 3) to pay off a 60k debts. I didn't make much money at any of these jobs!!!

Even before that I had to find a way to pay for my college education to finish school and living expenses on my own.

Now I am back in school to get a Business Degree for my current job. (my company reimburse tuition and books fees)

I am now 32 years old and have lived states away from my family for about 15 years now. I now have a wonderful prince charming as my husband.

The thing is that I want to have children but also be a stay at home mom. I do not have a lot of savings because I have only begun to save after I paid off my large debts almost a year ago. It will be super tight to live on my husband's income. I am about to give in to that change of lifestyle because I fought so hard to get out of debts by working so much. I missed out on friendships and family for so long itís now what I am craving. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel of trying to be financially successful with savings and retirements and so on but I feel so empty in that area because it is taking me a long time with so much effort. I am not happy staying that way. It almost actually makes more sense for me to be a SAHM because I do have to commute far and that would not allow me much time to see my future babies.

Sorry for the long vent. Sometimes I just want to make things happen instead of letting my circumstances dictate how I do things.

7 Responses to “To do or not to do?”

  1. Broken Arrow Says:

    This is just a quick thought.

    I would do everything possible to maintain career and income.

    You can always change your mind about your career and income later. You can't do that with kids once you have them.

  2. kimiko Says:

    I really like your color scheme.

    I think the first thing you need is a vacation. Then after that, a slow move toward a lifestyle change that would give you time daily to appreciate the things around you. That talk about all work and no play isn't just talk. Although I don't think you can be a SAHM just yet. You're so used to working that such a drastic change would cause problem. Sometime people get so caught up in the stress, they overlook the benefits. Part of your anxiety seems to also stem from the fact that you're determined work hard to have and maintain Paradise. Getting that degree and then start on decreasing your workload seems more reasonable.

  3. merch Says:

    You know it takes atleast 9 months to have a baby?

    I say start trying now, but continue on your current path. It could be a couple of years away anyway.

  4. momcents Says:


    I think that it helps to have a plan going into having children as to what you see yourself doing be it a SAHM or part-time or whatever. I would also caution you to be flexible in your thinking. I was going to be a SAHM from the start. My first two are under a year apart and I needed a diversion from diapers/formula, so I worked from home for 18 months. Then once my children were a bit bigger and old enough for classes and story-time at the library, that job didn't work very well. So I babysat a friend's little guy three days a week for 2-1/2 years. By then I had more children of my own and it was difficult to get out of the house with everyone (mine + 1). I am a SAHM now but with my youngest being 3 and the rest in school, I'm thinkin about part-time outside the home. Of course, we want more children and I won't work outside the home with a baby in the house.

  5. monkeymama Says:

    momcents - I have to agree with you again.

    I think just because you want to be a SAHM doesn't mean you can't work. There are always options. Work opposite shifts from hubby. Work from home. Work part-time once the kids are one or something. Many, many, many options.

    Likewise, merch makes a point. Of course, I'd still tread with caution. We were going to save another 9 months of dh's salary (or else I would have waited 9 months to try for children) but my spouse was laid off shortly after I was first pregnant. So much for that grand plan! (I think it was fate's way of telling me I plan too much, and we would be okay. LOL).

    You've got time, but pregnancy can bring complications, etc.

    On the flip side, I know too many people who took may many years to get pregnant, so you kind of want to plan for all scenarios.

    (This probably isn't helping...)

    Oh yes, but I know lots of women who wanted to be home with their kids and so babysat or did daycare, etc. There are always options. Formulate a plan and go for what you want. Just be flexible and think outside the box. Until the kid arrives, you won't really know what you want.

  6. monkeymama Says:

    momcents - I have to agree with you again.

    I think just because you want to be a SAHM doesn't mean you can't work. There are always options. Work opposite shifts from hubby. Work from home. Work part-time once the kids are one or something. Many, many, many options.

    Likewise, merch makes a point. Of course, I'd still tread with caution. We were going to save another 9 months of dh's salary (or else I would have waited 9 months to try for children) but my spouse was laid off shortly after I was first pregnant. So much for that grand plan! (I think it was fate's way of telling me I plan too much, and we would be okay. LOL).

    You've got time, but pregnancy can bring complications, etc.

    On the flip side, I know too many people who took may many years to get pregnant, so you kind of want to plan for all scenarios.

    (This probably isn't helping...)

    Oh yes, but I know lots of women who wanted to be home with their kids and so babysat or did daycare, etc. There are always options. Formulate a plan and go for what you want. Just be flexible and think outside the box. Until the kid arrives, you won't really know what you want anyway. (I know a few too many women who wanted to be SAHMs until they were able to - then they couldn't wait to work again).

  7. gruntina Says:

    BA - True that I can not change my mind once I have children. I do plan on staying at my current job and school until something happens.

    Kimiko - Thanks for your compliments on my color scheme. You are so right that I do tend to work hard to get what I want or need. I have been known by my family as the girl who just does not give up and just keeps going. I learned that behavior because in life people will treat me like a helpless deaf person unless I can prove to them what I am capable of. Today (day off from work) I did some garden work and moved my primroses to a different location and potted some nice flowers for my door steps to make a more welcoming entrance. Doing that simple thing made a difference in my mood and mental health. I should try to find more things like that in my daily routine so it's not all work.

    Merch - smile! Yes, I am well aware it takes 9 months to have a baby once I conceive. I just feel stuck because I do not want to wait until I am near 40 to have a baby if I can help it. But I do feel stuck because I do need my job and to finish school so I have a better chance of getting interviewed at another job in the case I lose my job. Having a degree along with many years of experience will give me a better chance to show employers in Business and HR fields that I can do so much despite of deafness. Right now my current job is a 2 hour commute each day which leaves me less home time. I just wish I was a little younger to have more time to save and finish school in advance before a baby. But it seems like now I have to work extra hard to make it all happen.

    momcents and monkeymommaĖ You make it inspiring that it is possible to have a part time job or alternate ways to make money while being a SAHM. Personally I worry about what kind of opportunities I will have as I am not so sure. I live up in the summit in a tiny town of 4000 people. The town is on the highway that is about 3-4 blocks in length and no street light since it is too tiny. Also, I would have to convince other parents to trust me with their child with my deafness even though I know I can do everything well. It can often be hard to educate others about my deafness and make them more open minded. I probably sound like a self sabotaged minded person but I do not mean to be. I know everything is possible but my life experiences have taught me that I can not change otherís people mind even though I can teach myself to be capable of everything. This is not something I can plan for in the case I do become a mother. It will be more of a play by ear of any opportunities that comes my way. I do have ideas of other things I want to do in the case when I become a SAHM but they do not generate incomes.

    Thanks for all your response and it seems I have found my answers in my responses to your comments.

    It just seems like what ever happens will not go the way they are planned. It seems at this time I need to protect myself with my job experience and getting my degree. If I have a baby, it will be a huge roller coaster ride. If I do not have a baby, I hope I donít regret or become a person where career is taking over the bulk of my lifestyle and end up lonely and empty.

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