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Home > family, guilt trips, finances, the whole thing

family, guilt trips, finances, the whole thing

November 10th, 2006 at 08:35 pm

I couldn't come up with a title so I just put it as is. Too many things tugging my mind today.

Just found out that my Grandmotherís services are on Sunday, November 19th.

On that day I was supposed to work and set up a 30th birthday party for my Autistic roommate. Very loveable guy. He has a vocabulary of about 10 words and says "Party! Me!" all day long for the last few days. He is soo looking fwd to his party. He does not quite understand that I am moving out. Every time a Staff leaves or quit. He thinks they died and can not stop talking about them for at least 6 months. I plan to visit him from time to time but I can promise anything but itís enough to feel bad for leaving such a loveable guy.

Talked to mom on the phone, definite can tell that she misses me too much! She wants me there at the service but also to hang out together as she feels she lost me when I moved to California. We were super close growing up as it was just the two of us going through many years of extreme hardship and pain but gave each other reasons to keep going. Again did I mention, she really wants to see me soon? She also mentions I gotten to become my client's family (Autism guy) as if I was picking him over her! Sigh...

I am having been working two full time jobs for the past years. Its tough and finally taken it's toll on me. I gave my resignation notice to my job with the Autistic man. I love him but itís taken all my time away from my BF whom I really want to be with and very ready to move on. It was tough decision because I am used to having to survive on my own, hence the two jobs.

I had a goal to be totally debt frees this December but it kind of gotten prolong because of the expensive ticket to my Grandfather's funeral not too long ago and some car repairs. Now again for my Grandmother's funeral. I may sound selfish here and I probably am but after working my butts off and giving more than 150% of myself to pay the dang thing off, I am getting even more determined each day I am closure to getting it paid off... Itís like I become a stingy animal...

A couple of months ago I requested to have the whole week of the thanksgiving week off. It was a secret from friends because I intended that time to thaw out and rest, move out of the house into my bf house preparing for a new chapter in my life.

My BF mentioned to me many times and I mean many! That he was so excited to share our first Thanksgiving together.

Grandma! Well itís hard... I donít cry or feel like I need to talk about her to a life person so much and I am still going through the days like its normal. But yeah! I miss her a lot! But I have missed her long before she died. We were super close when I was little. Often took a month vacation to stay with her in the summers and we always loved to talk, talk and talk. She was healthy the last time I saw her (2-3 months ago) but I am assuming the heartbreak got to her... Just found out she had 10 heart attacks in the last three weeks alone! I don't blame her for wanting to die. At least all her children were there with her till the very end.

First my brother, then my Grandfather, and now my Grandmother... It keeps getting harder and harder to go back home to Montana. It just never the same but I am sure I changed so much and in my family's eye's I am never the same either.

I do value my family. It just keeps getting harder and harder with responsibilities every year I get older.

I donít know if I am going to Montana or if I should stay? All I can do now is pray about it and see where it leads me. I hope I know this weekend.

If you read it this long... wow! but thanks for letting me vent.

4 Responses to “family, guilt trips, finances, the whole thing”

  1. PRICEPLUS Says:

    It sounds like the world is on your shoulders right now. Sending out a cyber hug and I'll be praying for you!

  2. LuckyRobin Says:

    I'm sorry for your recent losses. My grandparents went within months of each other, we all think Grandma died of a broken heart after Grandpa died. They had been together for such a long time. Hang in there, and you'll figure out what it is right for you to do.

  3. janh Says:

    I can understand the conflict within you. We are a very closeknit family and when Hubby needed to move away(800 miles!) from his to have his own life when we were young (his family situation wasn't like mine), it broke all our hearts to leave each other. But establishing my own life was not a bad thing. My family and I have worked hard at staying close--at a distance. Eventually, I got to go home and stay for a month at a time during the summer to catch up and chill. But I wasn't working then like you are. We still call a lot, send gifts, and keep up. I know that I've missed out on a lot, but my daughter put it this way--maybe the distance makes us try harder and keeps us closer because we don't take having each other for granted. On the phone, we chat just like we're in the same room about everything. Most of it just everyday stuff. Makes us feel we are in the same town just visiting on the phone. But I do miss them very much. Now that my kids are separating themselves from us--even though we are close to them--I understand that they need to be separate and get their own lives. But it's not easy as the parent nor easy as the child. I think you are tired, a little homesick, and have had too many really sad blows lately. Moving forward toward a new and happy time is a good thing. Don't feel bad about it. And it won't be a bad thing to have someone to lean on sometimes. I am so sorry about the losses you've had. Especially so close together. That's more than someone should have to bear. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  4. LuxLiving Says:

    I am praying for you to have a clear answer as to what you should do. My sympathy on your family's loss of a cherished loved one!!

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